


Madmen Who Remember, Madmen Who Forget

by NewEyes



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 23:47:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6215026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NewEyes/pseuds/NewEyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You...can't bring people back from the dead can you?" he asked.</p><p>"No Mr Palmer, however...." Gideon paused.</p><p>"However..."</p><p>"This ship does possess a small holo room, and I have access to large banks of information about many timelines. Given a name and an era, it is very likely I would be able to create a basic version of somebody currently dead to you."</p><p> </p><p>Ray uses the holo room to recreate memories of his time with Anna. Mick just uses it to burn stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Madmen Who Remember, Madmen Who Forget

**Author's Note:**

> So, believe it or not this fic was actually mostly written before 1x07, then I spilt water on my keyboard, broke it, and couldn't write for a week. So this fic is set some time before 1x07.
> 
> I'm also aware that some things in this fic that now seem a bit of a stretch after the last episode (health and safety rules? hahaha) but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

"Are you okay Mr Palmer?" Gideon's voice crackled through the walls.

"I'm fine" he huffed.

"Your heart rate is approximately 25bpm higher than average, you are breathing extremely quickly-,"

"I said I'm fine." He glanced over at the clock by his bed as he tried to calm down. 3:00am. He'd made it four hours. Well, it was better than normal. He flopped back down on the bed and brushed his hair out of his eyes with shaking hands. 

"Pardon me, Mr Palmer, but I notice that you have had these issues-,"

"Nightmares. It's okay, you can say it Gideon." There was a short pause.

"Nightmares...every night since you have come aboard. Would you like me to alert the designated medical personnel, who may be able to refer you to the appropriate professional to treat your issues?"

Ray laughed weakly. "Who on Earth is the 'dedicated medical personnel' on the Waverider?"

"I believe that is Mr Hunter at present."

"Of course it is, he stole the ship." Ray leaned over and flicked the bedside light on. "I bet he's officially every role on this ship, isn't he?"

"You are correct Mr Palmer. Mr Hunter is also currently Captain, Chief Medical Officer, Chief Engineer, Head of Security-,"

"Okay, okay," Ray was still laughing. "No, don't alert him. Anna's dead," he sobered. "Unless you can bring people back from the dead, I doubt it would help anyway."

Gideon was silent.

"You...can't bring people back from the dead can you?" he asked.

"No Mr Palmer, however...." Gideon paused.

"However..."

"This ship does possess a small holo room, and I have access to large banks of information about many timelines. Given a name and an era, it is very likely I would be able to create a basic version of somebody currently dead to you."

Ray felt faint, and he could hear a weird ringing in his ears.

"Where is this holo room?"

*

She didn't smell right. And her personality, that wasn't quite right either. But it was pretty close. He had Gideon construct a replica of their flat back in Star City and whenever he woke from dreams of blood and death, he would make his way to the room. They could sit and talk, curled up on the couch together. She would stroke his hair. Eventually he would drift off for a few hours and get some rest.

He knew it wasn't particularly healthy. It was sad, and a little bit crazy. He should be over it by now, moving on, not dwelling in the past. But now that he knew it was there, he couldn't stop. He wanted to, but in his weakest moments he just needed warmth, and his feet always carried him to that room.

*

Ray was resting his head on Anna's shoulder when suddenly the room dissolved around him, back to plain white and he fell to the floor. The door opened and Mick stormed in, dressed in his Heatwave gear.

"Mick."

"Ray," Mick turned, and looked surprised to see him there.

"What are you doing here?" Ray asked, scrambling to his feet.

"Gideon showed me this place one afternoon when I was...bored."

"I didn't realise anyone else knew about it."

"Me neither," Mick said. "Gideon didn't tell me that you were here."

"All visits from other members of the crew are to remain private," Gideon said. "However, I will inform you that currently you two are the only humans aboard who have made use of the holo room."

"Okay, well, I'll get out of your hair," Ray said, heading for the door. At the threshold of the exit he paused and turned. "I mean, feel free to tell me to shove it, but I was wondering-,"

"What I use the room for?" Mick said. "I like to burn stuff. Gideon let's me fake burn fake stuff, other people don't get pissed at me."

"Oh, okay," Ray said.

"Bet I can guess what you use it for though Palmer, probably some girl or something sappy like that." Mick's gaze was cutting, and Ray looked away.

"Yeah, something like that," Ray mumbled, and left the room.

*

"Gideon, next time I'm in the room, please can you lock the door so someone doesn't come in unexpectedly."

"I'm sorry Ray, I cannot do that. Due to the way the room is constructed there is only one entrance and there are many potential fire hazards, health and safety breaches. If I were taken offline while you were in there, due to the way the room is constructed, you would become trapped and likely die."

"Alright, can you at least monitor when Mick is in there, tell me when I can avoid him?"

"I'm sorry Ray, I cannot do that. It breaches my protocol on privacy and the only members of the crew who are allowed to monitor others are the senior staff members."

Ray rolled his eyes. "So...Rip."

"Indeed."

"You could always confer with Mr Rory and discuss the situation," Gideon suggested.

"No, no, it's okay."

Oh well. So what if he ran into Mick again? They both knew what the other used the room for. And he'd been using it for weeks and only seen Mick the once, so they probably wouldn't run into each other much. It would be fine.

*

Except now that he knew Mick used the holo room, he started to pay more attention to Mick himself. Now that he was watching he could see when the threads of restraint behind Mick's eyes were wearing thin, usually after they'd returned from a mission, or if they had spare hours in the afternoon. Mick would make his excuses, and then head off, only now Ray knew where he was going. There was something strangely compelling about him.

"Why are you always watching Mick?" Ray was still looking at Mick's retreating back, and he startled at the sound of Len's voice.

"I, I mean, I'm not-," he stammered.

"Hmmmm," Len just frowned at him and Ray flushed at being caught out.

*

Len and Mick had what one might charitably call a tumultuous relationship. Sometimes they were as thick as thieves, sometimes they were at each other's throats. Ray spotted Mick storming off one evening towards the room after an argument, and he made the spur of the moment decision to follow, a few paces behind. He was under no illusions that he was hidden from Mick, the other man knew he was there. When they reached the entrance to the room, Mick hit some buttons on the nearby touch screen and then pulled the door open. He stopped, and then turned to face Ray, who was lurking at the end of the corridor. "You coming then?"

Ray looked at Mick, and then hurried over and into the room. Mick followed him, pulling the door closed behind him. Immediately the room transformed into what looked like a house, and a replica heatgun appeared in Mick's hand. Ray sat down on one of the dining room chairs. Then Mick went crazy.

Any semblance of control vanished and within seconds, the whole room was ablaze. Mick stalked off into the other rooms, yelling and burning, and Ray just sat there. It was honestly quite bizarre, the room and the flames looked real, but there was no heat where they licked his skin, and no smoke filled his lungs.

After a while, Mick came back into the room, breathing heavily, Ray assumed that the whole imaginary building was now ablaze, nothing more to do but watch it burn. The fire in Mick's eyes had not dimmed though, and he looked Ray up and down. There was no mistaking the meaning. Ray knew Mick was giving him time to back out, to make his excuses and leave. But he didn't want to.

He stood up and slowly walked towards Mick. Mick closed the rest of the distance between them quickly, and then they were kissing. It was fierce and unforgiving, Mick's large hands framing his face, holding him exactly how he wanted. But Ray liked it, uncertainty had often plagued his romantic ventures and it was a relief to be able to kiss back roughly, they both knew exactly what they wanted.

Somehow he found himself pressed against one of the walls of the dining room. The whole room was still on fire, and it cast a strange flickering glow over them. He felt Mick's hands sliding under his shirt and he closed his eyes, moaning slightly, and he heard an answering sigh from Mick. Ray moved his hands to the top of Mick's pants and, for the first time since they'd started kissing, he paused. Best just to be sure. He felt Mick nod against his neck, and Ray unbuttoned them and pushed them down. He felt Mick mouthing hot, open kisses against his neck, and as Ray reached down and curled his hand around Mick's dick, he heard Mick gasp slightly.

Suddenly Mick's hands were fumbling with Ray's pants too, and then they were off. Ray moaned and rocked his hips as Mick stroked him from root to tip, and then he moved even closer and took them both in his large hand, stroking them together. They were pressed together, no space between them, warm and panting. Ray managed to open his eyes and he saw Mick just staring down at their dicks sliding together, it was all unbelievably hot. Ray leaned closer and kissed him again, this time taking more control. Mick let him. Ray could feel the heat building in his stomach, his hips moving faster in Mick's hand, and that's when Mick broke the silence.

"So fucking hot Ray, yeah, just like that."

It wasn't the dirtiest thing anyone had ever said to Ray, nor the most poetic, but the way Mick muttered it, low, in a gruff voice...Ray came all over Mick's hand, and Mick quickly followed him. They leant against each other, panting, trying to catch their breath.

Ray's legs finally gave out though, he pulled up his pants, put away his dick and dropped down to sit on the floor. Mick's hand was covered in cum and he looked down at it in annoyance, and then wiped it on a tissue in a pocket of his coat. Ray stared as Mick buttoned his pants, and then joined him on the floor. The room was still burning, but Mick didn't seem nearly as excited by it as he had before.

Ray didn't say anything. He knew if he spoke it would come out nervous babbling, and as he looked over at Mick, he knew it wasn't the right time for that.

"I hate this, you know," Mick said. It was like a punch in the gut, and something must have shown in his expression because Mick shook his head.

"Not you, this," he said, waving his hands at the room. "I always think that this is what I want. Everything burning. My home, burning. It takes over my brain. When it's over, I know it won't make me truly happy, but in the moment it really does. I hate this room, now that I know it's here, I can't stop. The part of me that's not burnt to a crisp says don't go, but then the crazy part of me takes over and I'm here anyway."

"I know what you mean."

"You see your girl here?" Mick looked over and met his eyes.

"Not my girl, well, she was, now she's dead. I thought I moved on. But now that I know this place is here...I know I shouldn't go, but I do."

*

Len suspected something, Ray knew. Whenever the team was together he watched them closely with a puzzled look on his face, like he couldn't quite figure them out. Goodie two shoes, and the crazy pyromaniac criminal. But both of them weren't quite what they appeared, Ray thought. He had issues of his own, and Mick didn't quite boil down quite as simply as some people wanted him to. They both had their compulsions, they could understand each other.

*

Ray was lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, Mick snoring by his side. Luckily he hadn't woken Mick with yelling, but after a nightmare, he knew he wasn't getting back to sleep any time soon. Usually this was when he would head over to the holo room but somehow it felt like a massive dick move to leave your sleeping lover to go be with a hologram of your dead ex-finance. He wasn't getting back to sleep though, so he slipped out of bed, pulled on his slippers and sat in the chair the bed. He had a few pictures with him on the bedside table, his Mom and Dad, Anna, Team Arrow...but his eyes kept flicking between the picture of Anna on his bedside table, and Mick, sleeping in his bed.

Two very different people.

"Ray?" Mick slurred, half asleep. "Come back to bed."

Ray closed his eyes and sighed. "Okay," he said, and slipped back under the covers. Mick moved closer, and then Ray felt a large, calloused hand carding through his hair gently.

"Sleep," Mick murmurred.

Maybe not so different after all.

*

Ray was headed down to the bridge one afternoon when an alarm started blaring through the speaker and he almost smiled. The ship might have been made centuries in the future but a fire alarm still sounded like a fire alarm. But he quickly realised who the likely culprit was and the smile quickly slipped off his face. He turned and sprinted for the holo room. Somehow he knew where Mick would be.

As Ray rounded the corner he realised he could smell smoke; the door to the holo room was ajar and he raced the last few yards to the entrance. He squinted through the flames, at what remained of the holo room. It was ablaze, for real this time, no fake projection of a house. Mick had obviously taken a hammer to sections of the walls and then set all of the electrical wiring on fire, the white tiles were now black with soot. He was standing in the centre of the room, real heat gun in his hand. He wasn't smiling or laughing, in fact he looked calm, almost serene, the most serious Ray'd ever seen him.

"What are you doing?" Ray called out. "We're on a space ship, fire's dangerous! You need to get out of there!" He coughed, and put his arm over his mouth to try and block the smoke. He was amazed that Mick was still standing. Flames danced around him, and Ray knew that Mick would have some serious burns, but he wasn't flinching. Ray wanted to go in and drag Mick out, but he didn't have his suit with him, and the heat pushed him back.

"This place, it's no good for us. When it is here, both of us are trapped, stuck going round and round."

"We could have just stopped using it!" Ray cried.

Mick shook his head. "It wouldn't have worked. It would always be there in the back of our minds. When I get the pyromania burning through my skull, I remember that there's this place I can go, and instead of being forced to deal with it, I give in and embrace it. You too. You feel pain, and instead of being forced to deal with it this is the easy escape."

Ray could hear footsteps the hall and he realised the others must have figured out what was happening. He looked over at Mick, who had started to cough.

"Get out of there," Ray rasped. He held out the hand that wasn't covering his mouth. "Please." He thought he saw a flicker of hesitation in Mick's eyes. Mick took a step towards him, but then crumpled to the floor, right as the rest of the team suddenly ran into corridor. Len quickly brushed past Ray, using his cold gun to clear a path over to Mick. The rest of the team followed and started working on getting the fires out, Gideon providing helpful information where she could. But Ray only had eyes for Mick. His heatwave gear had protected most of him, but his hands and face were badly burned. He crouched down and reached out a hand, stroking an unburned section of Mick's cheek gently.

He looked up to see Len watching him, but he didn't care.

*

They were all up on the bridge when Gideon alerted them that Mick was awake, and that he could have a visitor for a brief period of time. Ray looked towards Len, but Snart just shook his head and nodded at him. When Ray looked around, the others were all looking at him too.

"Clearly you currently have a better understanding of Mr Rory that any of us here, go Mr Palmer," Rip waved his hands, and Ray went.

Mick was sitting up on he bed staring at his burnt hands when Ray entered. The sight of Mick in the med bay made him laugh, whoever'd designed the bay obviously hadn't thought it through, Mick dwarfed the bed arms hanging off the sides and feet dangling off the end.

"Gideon told me you managed to put out the fires," Mick said, looking up at Ray. "But the room is no longer operational."

"Yeah, it doesn't work anymore, I think some of the others are annoyed that they never got to try it at all."

"I doubt that's the only thing they're annoyed about."

Ray sat down in the chair next to the bed. "No. They're probably going to set someone watching you 24 hours, switching out. You could have killed us all."

"I know." Mick looked as if he might say more, and then stopped.

"I think...I understand the why though," Ray said. "That holo room, it wasn't good for either of us, it let us dwell too long on parts of our lives that we shouldn't be."

Mick nodded. "I wanted to destroy it. When I want to destroy things, I light them on fire. But I didn't want to hurt any of you. Now that it's gone, maybe we can start getting better again. Both of us."

"I think that's a good idea."

Mick took in a breath. "About us, together..."

Ray had never known Mick to be nervous before and it didn't show obviously on his face now, but Ray noticed a tightening around the eyes.

"I understand if you want to call it quits, we started in that room, and now the room is dead. And I lost control in a pretty bad way, got myself burnt up."

Ray didn't answer immediately, he needed to think. He didn't want to give Mick up, but at the same time...it _was_ dangerous, there was no denying it. It was a risk. Risks versus rewards, that was the question. And he had to make a decision.

Ray met Mick's gaze. "I can't say how things will go in the future, but I think right now...I don't want to call it quits. You have your own problems, but I always knew that, it was never hidden from me. I have my own too. No guarantees, but I want to at least try."

Mick looked over at him, and when he saw Ray was serious, suddenly a grin spread across his face. "And they call me crazy." Mick shook his head in disbelief. "You, choosing to be with a guy like me of your own free will, you're a crazy son of a bitch Palmer." Ray got out of the chair and headed closer to Mick on the bed.

"Yeah," he said. "I guess I kind of am."

 

_"What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?"_

_Ursula Le Guin_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from:
> 
> “People who remember court madness through pain, the pain of the perpetually recurring death of their innocence; people who forget court another kind of madness, the madness of the denial of pain and the hatred of innocence; and the world is mostly divided between madmen who remember and madmen who forget.”  
> ― James Baldwin, Giovanni's Room
> 
> My tumblr: http://xxxneweyesxxx.tumblr.com/


End file.
